Mixed Feelings

(My pretty little Christmas message I haven't the heart to take down yet.)

I am supposed to go back to school this Spring. To be honest, there is a real part of me that isn't excited about that at all.

It seems funny that that should be the case. I have been anxiously waiting for the opportunity to finish my education and get my bachelor's under my belt. All the way up until a month or two ago I was thrilled I'd be on my way to graduation (finally!).

But now I dread it. I'm not looking forward to it. I just want to stay at home and be with my babies.

These are my favorite ages. I want to open up to them a world of discovery and opportunity that I honestly don't trust anyone else to provide for them. I am by no means perfect...but I know that my dedication to being my best for them is complete.

While others watching them may give genuinely kind and thoughtful care to their needs... they couldn't match the complete devotion I have to defining and redefining myself for their benefit. I am their mother. It is my mission, not just a job or an obligation, but my very essence...to do all I can to give them the life they deserve.

If you are friends with me in real life, I hope you are not offended by my saying this. I know any of my friends would be great caregivers for my children. But this is something I want to be involved in. Something I want to do. Something I want to enjoy and be apart of. It is one of the most important things I want to live to accomplish.

And I'm going to have to give away my Emmie's last few years before kindergarten so I can get a diploma. It seems like a cheap trade.

Don't get me wrong, I love education. I love to learn... so much so that postponing my collegiate studies has done nothing to stop me from learning. It is a part of my identity.

I just despise the idea of losing time I consider most precious and sacred to jump through administrative hoops to obtain a diploma.

Yes, that diploma will be a huge benefit to my family. It will do wonders for our peace of mind. It will help us be prepared should there ever (heaven forbid) be a time where my husband couldn't work.

But the reason I want to go to school is to benefit my family, my children. They are my priority and this diploma is supposed to benefit them... but it kind of feels right now like I'm being asked to sacrifice everything I've dreamed and wanted...to support what I've dreamed of and wanted.

It wasn't supposed to be like that.

Well... I don't know what the future holds, but I'm sure I'll square up and do what I need to do. But for now, I'll mourn for a while for the memories, connections, and time that I will soon be missing.

On a positive note, Emmie has started potty training and hasn't had any accidents today. On a not so positive note, she hasn't had any accidents because she decided to hold all bodily fluids (and not-fluids) inside for the entire 12 hours she has been awake (and on a nap!). I think she's holding out for a diaper. Poor girl.

She went to bed with a mattress pad underneath her tonight, her door open, and a potty down the hall brightly lit.

Wish her (us?) luck.

P.S. Look what showed up in the mail today?!:

Positively. Giddy.