And I fear/ed talking to others about it, because of how it is often perceived... or how it could be perceived. I have no desire to be looked upon as broken. Incapable. A mess. Unable to handle myself. Unstable. Crazy. Guilty. Nuts. You name it.
Nor do I wish to label myself with any of those words and box myself in. Because that is not what it is, or who I am, or what I am going through. But, thankfully, I am starting to come around to realize all those perceptions and fears will not help me move forward. But honesty will.
So, I am going to share my honest experience, my honest thoughts and feelings, and the plans I have made or am making to try and move onward, upward, and forward...
Because no one should go home at the end of the day, sit on their bed before they go to sleep, and feel with all their heart like they are the worst person in the world, who has messed up big time. Especially when nothing happened that day that could explain why they feel like that.
But there they sit. Feeling it anyways.
I am thankful to say that those days, through the blessings and guidance I have received from a great husband, wonderful parents, and a loving Heavenly Father, are starting to become fewer and further in between. But I am a work in progress. I am not "there" yet. (Where ever 'there' is?)
I plan on sharing more specific details of my experiences and things I have learned that have helped me in future posts. But, for now, I just wanted to share with all of you that each and every one of us is infinitely loved.
Even if, like me, you have a very difficult time actually (mentally and/or emotionally) feeling it, that statement is no less true for you. He loves YOU. Perfectly. And so do your friends. And so does your family.
A scripture I read today stuck out to me in a new light, considering what I have been going through lately, and I thought I'd share it with all of you. Who knows, maybe you'll like it too.
"And now as I said concerning — is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true." Alma 32:21
In my case, I have had a hard time seeing (or rather feeling) my own personal worth and value. I have had a difficult time feeling loved and seeing how other people could love me. How could other people be happy with me, if even I wasn't happy with me?
Never the less, truth is truth, whether we can see it or not. Whether anyone believes it or not (Did you watch President Uchtdorf's CES devotional about truth? Wonderful!). So what I felt when I read this scripture today was that I need to have faith in things which I do not see, which I definitely do not have a perfect knowledge of, but which I hope for (with all my heart)...which are true.
Like my own worth. My own potential. My personal goodness. And the love that others have for me. And perhaps even the idea that someday I might be able to fully overcome all of this and finally feel real love for myself... as I am.
And so, if you'd like to follow along, you are welcome to join me on my journey. I will be posting about my experiences here and there. I know, for me, it is always nice to have friends on the path who know what I am going through. It helps me remember I am not alone and gives me the strength to keep going.
And so I begin my path back towards wholeness, which I will lovingly call my 'Project Happy', as it occurred to me the other day... maybe a small part of the big solution I am seeking for might be exercising. Just like muscles need exercise to become stronger and more capable, maybe that's how we build our emotional strength too.
So I will be doing my best to exercise now. My happy muscles, that is!
"But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words." Alma 32:27